Why is it still
So hard to breathe
When I
Just beg to be
Gagged and cut
To feel something
Trickle down my thighs
Why do I
Always go back
To where it hurts
The most
When I
Want to
Carve
My skin
Obliterate..
everything..
that I might have..
ever done..
for you
24.11.09
Tired of the end of the worlds
Tired of your sick little faces
Tired on how good you think
[You fake
Sink
Shit
You piece of shit
Sit tight
Airtight… locked away
Millions strangers judging you
By the color of your book
Millions stabs through you
Bleed white blood
[Color of your lies
Sink your face
In your rotting guts
See what’s inside
Does it smell good?
Do you want to taste it?
The taste of hypocrisy
Sing for me, fucker
Sing your own eulogy
I could perfectly make it hurt more
Sounds like I’d be the only one screaming
Je veux être un rebut de temps
Oubliée comme jadis ces enfants-soldats
Forsaken, ruthless among soft tissues
Scars that never ends
Qui n’en finissent plus de guérir
Soporifique tenue gastrique
Engin mal contenu, giclant son odeur
Spurting like an overheated engine
Destroying countless little birds
Oiseau palpitant en mon creux
Bouts d’ivoire perçant la membrane de mon diaphragme
Périnée de sang envoûtant nombre de faux prospère
Countless hours, drops of blood falling as the glass hour freezes time
Age but never wrinkle, as you wither inwardly
Count to ten, pretend like it’s even
Ensache ce verdoyant vide
Scellé sous plastique, stérilisé, démantibulé
Mange la peau de tes mains
Oblige le creux de tes reins
I want pain. Grief. The feeling of loss
To watch myself in a mirror
I want to fade. To glaze.
Sembler ne veut pas dire être
Paraître ne veux pas être superficiel
Ne jamais être en mesure d’aimer
Ne signifie pas un manque de volonté
Sometimes I feel the darkness within me
I can touch it. It smells like glue
Wish so much your lips weren’t so blue
Though killing me would set you free?
[Understand me, is it so hard?]
Darkness attracts light from others
Only for a limited time
Limited range of access
Then it fades away, as surely as dust in the wind
[Try to feel what I feel, for once]
Shivering from every pore of skin, my mind ablaze
Spots of sun on the floor, such as blood from the morning sin
The mourning sign
Interact as if nothing ever happened
“Now death will occur slowly. Pardon me if I’m still breathing.”
[Shivering like blood wind]
Collapse your breath… Entangle those ropes around my wrists, slither my neck
«L’Enfer froid de solitude ne se tarit que lorsque je ferme les yeux. De peur, je me recroqueville et pris je-ne-sais-qui. »
Between my heart and my soul, shoot to kill
Burn everything
Prevent me from thinking
Especially about you
Because you do not think about me
It swallows me
I disappear from the surface
From every other place your hands ever laid on
It’s a tougher burden than what I’ve figured before, being alone
Trying to be intact so my shoulders are always available for people to shove things at
Helping fixing others, but can’t fix myself
The darkness, it invades me
I was buried alive in it before I even crossed the living border
«La solitude se recroqueville en son linceul. Et la laisse seule. »
Those things hidden inside you
So deep you’re unable to unveil them,
Reveal them for fears to be misunderstood
Betrayed and stabbed with the trust that took so long
To establish and keep
Under react, pretend not to face to brutal facts
Ignore any possible warnings
For it is just a question of warming
That cold piece of meat that once was called a heart
Pumping blood into me won’t save you
Choking my pores with your lies won’t do
Especially when words and hands are not agreeing
On the way of talking
It might sound sweet to your culprit
But deep down, your demon laughs with their lack of spirit
What about me? I doubt there is something about me?
I’m just the tip
Of a much more
Bigger scheme
Beg not to shine
Nor can I be uncovered
For I am… just a fuckin’ crime.
a heart of stone
a heart of stone
can heal no soul
nor can it be understood
when one can only sink further
burn these wings for which i shall
never fly & feel
liar is your designer
you never were deeper
deceiving is the answer
for all that matter(s)
for nothing you’d share
something you’d care
about
05.19.09
About death…
death is only granted to those who’ve learned enough from life.
if you do not die, it means you still have something to learn [about]
if you kill yourself, and are not ready to die, you’ll end up haunting living people.
05.24.09
Remove the traitor from my chest
Hurry, before it’s too late
Before I feel
Before I need..
I’m screaming.. drowning in the mirror
Of my perception
Tired.. so drained.
I have given everything .. every single ounce in my body I have given to you. Every drop of blood I sweat for you.
I made you bleed. I hit you, because it was enough. I had enough. I couldn’t.. let you.. again.. no.. not again.. I don’t want.. another bullet to go through my chest.
I want my armor back. I want my STRENGHT back
You fucking thief!
You fucking asshole… fucking.. traitor. liar.. promises.. never held .. always.. treated me..
Too much I endured for too little I had back in return.
And.. I loved you.. but I need to RIP the traitor from my SKIN. Take that knife, and finish the work, would you?
I want you to know.
What you did to me
I hope you’re fucking happy, now.
I hope you’re fucking DEAD, now
I want you to hurt, like you hurt me
Taste your own medicine
See the blood in your hands?
That’s me… was me.. in you.. in me.. forever..
Though I had you. How come we used to think we’d belong to each other forever? How come .. you made me hate you?.. Feel numb for you?..
Tried to save you.. but you don’t even want to save yourself! Old story, but new pain.. I had to know you. I have to go back to that. Being ripped apart.. watch yourself carefully in the mirror.. ‘coz I’m gonna be right next to you..
May 18th, 2008
Québec
For the one I gave everything for.
With a slice
Of life
I might
Be able to fight
The evil inside
Of me
The evil that never
Feared the reaper
I wish that your absolute
Become obsolete
I wish that your clash
End up with a flash
Like my life
Like I might
This poetry
Has now got the best of me
I can only be
Like you wanted me to be
The monster in me
The monster you see !
From the archives of 2006.
Some things are better left unspoken about
It is best
To forget
Amend yourself
Hope it will pass
Sadness faltering away
Like dust in winter’s wind
Doesn’t know how to deal
Cope and feel
Empty, bitter
Swallow my anger
Let’s force its favor
Down your throat, sucker!
The victory seems imminent
Among stalkers
A shadow slaying a rodent
Pity on a shelf
Please, do not destroy yourself
Demeanors that are unfathomable
Pleasure blurred by a halo of glory
Pierce my heart
Devour it
Like ambrosia
Become immortal
Fading away, life’s sparks
Embrace it
Tears of a demented being
Heart like metal
Taste the blood from my lips
And call it mine
First entry of 2009. I chose to write it in English. Why ? Probably because it helps me to dissociate myself from my feelings and my rational side..
These past few months, I’ve felt more than I felt in my entire life. Love, hurt, sadness, anger, despair, compassion, friendship. Now, I feel that the weeks to come will be decisive. It’s going to be either a deadly fall or a blessed gift. I have no idea what’s there for me. All that I know is that I will face those steps one by one, trying not to think too much ahead. Because that is what destroys me. To think too much further ahead. That’s one great way to break your neck, at least for me.
I learned how to open up, but now I have to learn once more how to protect myself from hurt or negative feelings. What happened in the past few weeks, not only with me but with people close to my heart, made me realize some things. That you are the only one that can control your happiness and your destiny.
To some questions, I just answer this : dare to love. Dare to live. Dare happiness face to face and let’s see what’s going to evolve from this.
Regrets weights more on one’s consciousness than remorse, that I learned as I experienced and lived, at least what little I’ve done so far. This is what keeps me alive. To go on. Continue.. and live.. Sometimes, I feel like I can’t escape my mind.. But I just need to void my mind from negative thoughts and let them flow away, only keeping what’s good… Sometimes, I feel like I could just give up. But then, what would I have proved to myself? To others? That I’m worth nothing. That’s not what I want to feel for myself. Never was and never will be.
I’ve suffered way too much to let one single event, let alone one person bring me down. I know, I did it before. For almost two years, but it’s over now. I’ve learn.
Live, learn, love.. lust.. hurt.. feel.. forgive..
